Tag: spam

How not to spam a blog…

Some spam is ridiculously easy to spot. So, if you’re thinking of spamming this – or any other blog, here are a few tips…

  • Your name is not “real sex lesbians”. In fact, nobody’s name is “real sex lesbians”. I don’t even have to research this on Google to know it.
  • Your name is also not the name of your site, with all the words spelled properly and with spaces between them.
  • Don’t post six comments, two minutes apart, under different names, on different posts, using the same comment text and the same website address. Even if you have tried a different name.
  • Changing numbers for letters – spelling it “v1agra” or “c1al1s” doesn’t work. The last person it actually fooled then went on to paint an elaborately crafted angel until the bell rang for Vespers and got a clip round the ear from Abbot Knorfric, who reminded him that this is the 12th Century and we’re far too intelligent to fall for that old gag any more…
  • Speaking of which, I do not want or need a bigger “P3N15”, nor do I believe pills bought over the Internet would achieve it even if I did. And I’m not sure you’re a real doctor, either, now that I think about it…
  • If even your domain name isn’t suitable for children, but my blog is. Well, you do the math.
  • iPod or Zune? Good question. Just not remotely what I’ve discussed on any post on my blog, ever. Still, nice try…
  • You may not be able to add my blog in your RSS reader. But the four links to various “discount” shops for well known brands make me suspicious (“Louise Vuitton”? “Uggg Boots”? Pleeease…)

Well, I hope that’s made a few of you laugh. What we bloggers and webmasters have to put up with, eh?

Night night…

Spam spam spam spam lovely spam

Just thought I’d share with you some of the weirder subject lines I’ve got in spam lately, some of which are quite amusing.

For example, apparently “McCain unsure whether Obama a secret hippopotamus“. Yes, you heard it here first folks: John McCain not sure whether Obama is actually a large African behemoth (the Victorian name for the hippo, donchaknow?) in disguise. The tagline in the message was “UFOs sighted over UK“, which either speaks reams about the sender’s state of mind, or their opinion of mine. I didn’t click – I don’t want to buy any Viagra or fake Rolexes (I have a real Philippe Mercier, thank you, which has sentimental value far above its monetary one.)

Apparently a shocking video shows “Spongebob and Gay Sex“, which is at least more inventive than the hundreds of “Angeline Jolie nude movie” variations going round, and even slightly more believable than all these UPS tracking numbers I keep getting sent… or the “Important Message from Abbey National %CURRENTDATE“. Wow, that Mr %CURRENTDATE must be having a hard time with those bank charges, eh? Still, distinctive name – must make tracing the family tree easier.

I was interested to note the headline “Ronald Reagan chief suspect in bank robbery“. My, he gets about a bit, especially for someone who died several years ago. Perhaps it’s not the same one, just someone with a similar name. Still, it was less disturbing than the headline “Bush ‘Troubled’ by Gay Marriages. Declares San Francisco Part of ‘Axis of Evil’“, or “White Male Workers Banned in Britain” (I’d have heard by now, surely…) Still, nice to see the war on terror keeps expanding…

And in celebrity news: “Tiger Woods Will Call Next Son Monkey” (in honour of the Chinese Olympics?), “Paris Hilton Initially Denies Having Inverted Nipples“, “Osama Sighting Confirmed In NYV“, and “Mick Jagger To Make Big Screen Debut” (hint to spammers: IMDB is your friend).

Oh, here’s some good advice: “Say goodbye to your diseases!“. Righty ho then, “goodbye diseases”. Nope, still got ’em.

What’s this? Alistair says “Let me show you my tits“… no, can see three out the window, hopping about in the garden thanks. Lovely little birdies they are too. Oh look – one just caught a worm. How sweet. I assume you meant birdies, Alistair? (Or would you like a book of names for Christmas?)

July 80% OFF“: so I can have a whole month for only 6.2 days? Where do I sign up?

And finally, on a sad note: “Flat Earth Society Disbanded“. Apparently, “Germans have landed on the moon as early as 1942 and have made contact with half a dozen alien races“, which explains everything, of course.

Really, you couldn’t make this stuff up. Well, actually, you can, of course. Because whichever numpties sent me this trying to sell me Viagra, fake Rolexes or membership to frankly dodgy websites thought I’d do no more than have a good laugh. Had any good ones yourself? Post a comment and we’ll all have a laugh 😉